Hi. I was diagnosed with genital HSV1 this summer and have not had many opportunities to tell potential partners about it. I was wondering when the appropriate time would be to tell my partner.
My doctor said that I should postpone sex for at least 3 months, and I agree, but she also said that I can wait just as long to tell my partner. The idea behind this is to form a strong bond with the person to prevent him from becoming disinterested based on my herpes. This is where I find myself confused. It is possible that my partner could form feelings of love for me within three months. Is it really fair to him to keep this secret from him for so long? I believe that I would be angry to learn of a secret such as this after becoming so involved with someone.
I feel that I would be comfortable to tell him at this point in our relationship, but we have not been dating long and I worry that he may change his mind about me and/or tell others of my secret.
Please don't think that I have an issue with self-esteem. I am simply trying to determine when he might be ready to hear this news. I do not want him to feel that he was manipulated if I wait until after he has developed deep feelings for me.
I hope you might help, Laura
Dear Laura:
There are many different opinions about when to first tell a potential partner that you have herpes. The only thing that most people agree on is that you should always tell a potential partner that you have herpes BEFORE you have sex with them, and give them enough time to learn more about it so that they can make an informed decision.
These are my own personal rules of thumb - and I welcome other people to make comments on this blog to add there own views.
- Your personal health information (such as herpes) is your own business - until you decide that you might like to be sexually intimate with someone. It may take a few or several dates to know if you are really interested in getting physical with someone. It's different for each person. During that time, you may find out that the person you are dating has other issues (lying, cheating, substance abuse, anger management problems, poor hygiene, awful sense of humor, whatever) that make you decide they are not someone you want to be in a relationship with. So you move on. I see no reason to hurry into telling someone that you have herpes UNLESS you are pretty sure that you are interested in having sex with them, and vice versa. Only then does this information become relevant.
- When it becomes clear that you are interested in a sexual relationship with someone, THEN it becomes important for BOTH OF YOU to have a discussion about health and sexually transmitted diseases. For all you know, the person you are dating might also have herpes - and may or may not even know it since so few doctors test for it. Or they might have had previous partners who had herpes. If you don't think you can talk about safe sex with your partner, then you probably have no business sleeping with them in the first place.
- You should make sure your partner has been tested for herpes recently - the blood tests results take about a week to come back - so you know his or her herpes status BEFORE you have sex. With this information, you'll know how careful you need to be during sex. If they already have what YOU have, then you'll still need birth control, but will not have to worry about giving them a virus they already have! For information on herpes blood tests, go to:
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpes_blood_tests.htm
- Different people react to the news in different ways. The more informed YOU are about genital herpes and the more informed THEY are, the more rational a decision you both can make. Sometimes, it just takes a little time for them to get the facts and sort out their feelings and decide if they want to move forward with the relationship. This is a reasonable response. If they care about you enough, and if you help them understand what can be done to reduce the risk of spreading HSV, they will often respond positively and appreciate your honesty. If not, at least they have taken the time to learn about HSV and decide how they want to proceed. If they decide not to move forward - they are rejecting the herpes, not you! Respect whatever choice they make.
- Some people think "herpes is no big deal - let's go for it!" and that should be a warning sign that they may already have other STD's that they don't know about and don't care about spreading! Stay away from these folks unless you want to pick up yet another STD! If people are non-chalant about STD's, and don't want to take the time to find out about how STD's spread and how they can be avoided, they are irresponsible and put themselves and others at risk.
- The worst case scenario is that someone thinks they had a "right to know" about your herpes before they even started dating you, and accuses you of withholding information and wasting their time, etc. If so, you really don't want to get involved with someone like that - who sees everything in black and white - and only their point of view is right. They may even already have herpes and not know it! Instead, they judge you. Who needs them!
- Whatever you decide is the best time to tell someone is YOUR CHOICE (as long as it's BEFORE you have sex with them!) Each person is different and may have a different take on this.
- I'd love to hear other opinions on this subject! Please post your comments to this blog!
Thanks!
DWH
Questions? Email: dating with herpes at gmail dot com
Friday, December 28, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
I'm Considering Getting Involved with a Woman with Herpes
Dear DWH:
I'm considering getting involved with a woman who has had genital herpes for 20 years and is on suppressive therapy with Valtrex. Would having the virus this long make transmission any less likely??? If we avoid having sex during outbreaks and prodrome - is there a good chance of avoiding transmission (we would be in a LTR and won't be using condoms)??? If I did get it, would I get a milder form since she has had it for 20 years - or no relation to that??? She claims she has never passed it onto a partner - might not sure how anyone could be sure of that with the varying symptoms people get!!!!! Also if she has only HSV-2 of the genitals, could I get oral sores if I perform oral sex on her???
Thanks, Wondering
Dear Wondering:
Every person's situation is different. For most people, the longer they have the herpes virus, the less frequent their symptoms and presumably, the less often they shed the virus asymptomatically. But to know about your friend specifically, she'd have to get tested daily to see how often, if at all, the virus may be present on the skin. That's not terribly practical.
If my memory serves, there was a study from the University of Washington that showed the rates of asymptomatic shedding for people who had been seropositively diagnosed with HSV2 (via blood test) for up to 2 years - and I think the average rate of shedding was around 2% of the time...but don't quote me on that. There were some people in the study who tested positive, but did not shed the virus from the skin at all during the test period. This doesn't mean that it might never happen. But the study did show that some people shed the virus more often and some shed less often and some didn't shed the virus at all during the test period.
As for how you might react to the herpes virus if you were to get it, that's also totally dependent on how YOUR body deals with it, and has nothing to do with how our partner's body deals with it. Most people with herpes have few or mild or even no symptoms, such that they don't even know they have it to begin with. Stats show that about 25% of US adults already have the virus for genital herpes, but up to 90% of them don't even know it! That means that most people with herpes don't know it and are sleeping with partners and not taking any special precautions. Most people also already carry the virus for oral herpes, although most only display symptoms rarely. Both types of herpes are very common and can appear either genitally or orally.
It is extemely rare for genital herpes (of the HSV2 variety) to be spread to your mouth if you perform oral sex on someone with genital herpes. In those cases, there has usually been only 1 outbreak and then no more. However, if you have HSV1 (usually the cause of Oral Herpes) and perform oral sex on someone who does not have herpes, you might give them Genital Herpes of the HSV1 variety. This accounts for 30% of recent reports of genital herpes. Usually, genital herpes caused by HSV1 has less frequent recurrances, but it all depends on the person.
So if your friend knows they have herpes, is taking Valtrex, and you are using condoms all the time, and making sure to avoid sexual contact if there are symptoms coming on...then you are probably safer than if you're just sleeping with someone who has herpes but doesn't know it, and isn't doing anything about it. If you decide NOT to use condoms, that's your choice. Valtrex and condoms reduce the risk significantly. If you decide not to use condoms, another option is to take Valtrex yourself! I've heard this from doctors/physicians who have herpes themselves. They get a prescription for Valtrex for their partner. Apparently, this helps reduce their partner's susceptibility to viruses like HSV2 as well.
I'm one of the many people who didn't know they had herpes at all until they eventually had a visible outbreak - years afer I probably got the virus. I had been married over a year and was with my spouse at least a year before we married. So I had acquired the virus before that. But I never had an outbreak, until a year after I was married. I had a brief outbreak, got tested, and learned the news. At the time, my doctor told me that it was safe to have sex when I wasn't having an outbreak. He knew nothing about Valtrex. Acyclovir was only for episodic treatment. This is an example of what out-of-date doctors are still telling their patients. Some of the advice is OK. Other parts of it are very out of date.
Frankly, you probably already have oral herpes, and might even already have genital herpes and not know it. Have you been tested? Probably not, since most doctors don't test you for herpes in their standard STD screenings. You have to ask them specifically to test you for herpes. So, unless you know for sure that you've already been tested for herpes since your last intimate relationship, it's time to go to your doctor and ask for one of the new and very reliable herpes blood tests for HSV1 and HSV2 listed on http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpes_blood_tests.htm That's the only way to know for sure if you have or don't have the virus for oral or genital herpes. Chances are, you have never been tested. So get tested.
Then, relax. Herpes is just a skin condition that most people manage pretty easily. Most people have mild, few or NO symptoms. Unfortunately, some people have more noticeable and painful symptoms. Those are the people you hear about. But for the most part, herpes is a very manageable condition except that those people who know they have it want to be more careful with their partners. It's admirable for anyone to tell you that they have an STD and to take precautions to reduce the risk of spreading it to you. That's the responsible thing to do.
There really should NOT be tigma associated with HSV2 vs HSV1 since they can both be spread genitally OR orally, even when no symptoms are present. Everyone should take precautions against STD's but few people really do. Unfortunately, most people with or without STD's often throw caution to the wind occasionally and put themselves at risk. Conservatives and Liberals, Religious and Not-so-Religious - many people are not taking precautions or getting tested for STD's. Everyone is at risk!
So, if you really like this person and you are taking all the recommended precautions, you are pretty safe. Remember, sex is messy and is never 100% risk free, even if the other person doesn't have herpes. There are plenty of other STD's out there. New partners should always get tested before sleeping together. You can't treat something if you don't know you have it!
For more information on how to reduce the risk of herpes transmission, go to:
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/reducing_risk.htm
DWH
Questions? Email: dating with herpes at gmail dot com
I'm considering getting involved with a woman who has had genital herpes for 20 years and is on suppressive therapy with Valtrex. Would having the virus this long make transmission any less likely??? If we avoid having sex during outbreaks and prodrome - is there a good chance of avoiding transmission (we would be in a LTR and won't be using condoms)??? If I did get it, would I get a milder form since she has had it for 20 years - or no relation to that??? She claims she has never passed it onto a partner - might not sure how anyone could be sure of that with the varying symptoms people get!!!!! Also if she has only HSV-2 of the genitals, could I get oral sores if I perform oral sex on her???
Thanks, Wondering
Dear Wondering:
Every person's situation is different. For most people, the longer they have the herpes virus, the less frequent their symptoms and presumably, the less often they shed the virus asymptomatically. But to know about your friend specifically, she'd have to get tested daily to see how often, if at all, the virus may be present on the skin. That's not terribly practical.
If my memory serves, there was a study from the University of Washington that showed the rates of asymptomatic shedding for people who had been seropositively diagnosed with HSV2 (via blood test) for up to 2 years - and I think the average rate of shedding was around 2% of the time...but don't quote me on that. There were some people in the study who tested positive, but did not shed the virus from the skin at all during the test period. This doesn't mean that it might never happen. But the study did show that some people shed the virus more often and some shed less often and some didn't shed the virus at all during the test period.
As for how you might react to the herpes virus if you were to get it, that's also totally dependent on how YOUR body deals with it, and has nothing to do with how our partner's body deals with it. Most people with herpes have few or mild or even no symptoms, such that they don't even know they have it to begin with. Stats show that about 25% of US adults already have the virus for genital herpes, but up to 90% of them don't even know it! That means that most people with herpes don't know it and are sleeping with partners and not taking any special precautions. Most people also already carry the virus for oral herpes, although most only display symptoms rarely. Both types of herpes are very common and can appear either genitally or orally.
It is extemely rare for genital herpes (of the HSV2 variety) to be spread to your mouth if you perform oral sex on someone with genital herpes. In those cases, there has usually been only 1 outbreak and then no more. However, if you have HSV1 (usually the cause of Oral Herpes) and perform oral sex on someone who does not have herpes, you might give them Genital Herpes of the HSV1 variety. This accounts for 30% of recent reports of genital herpes. Usually, genital herpes caused by HSV1 has less frequent recurrances, but it all depends on the person.
So if your friend knows they have herpes, is taking Valtrex, and you are using condoms all the time, and making sure to avoid sexual contact if there are symptoms coming on...then you are probably safer than if you're just sleeping with someone who has herpes but doesn't know it, and isn't doing anything about it. If you decide NOT to use condoms, that's your choice. Valtrex and condoms reduce the risk significantly. If you decide not to use condoms, another option is to take Valtrex yourself! I've heard this from doctors/physicians who have herpes themselves. They get a prescription for Valtrex for their partner. Apparently, this helps reduce their partner's susceptibility to viruses like HSV2 as well.
I'm one of the many people who didn't know they had herpes at all until they eventually had a visible outbreak - years afer I probably got the virus. I had been married over a year and was with my spouse at least a year before we married. So I had acquired the virus before that. But I never had an outbreak, until a year after I was married. I had a brief outbreak, got tested, and learned the news. At the time, my doctor told me that it was safe to have sex when I wasn't having an outbreak. He knew nothing about Valtrex. Acyclovir was only for episodic treatment. This is an example of what out-of-date doctors are still telling their patients. Some of the advice is OK. Other parts of it are very out of date.
Frankly, you probably already have oral herpes, and might even already have genital herpes and not know it. Have you been tested? Probably not, since most doctors don't test you for herpes in their standard STD screenings. You have to ask them specifically to test you for herpes. So, unless you know for sure that you've already been tested for herpes since your last intimate relationship, it's time to go to your doctor and ask for one of the new and very reliable herpes blood tests for HSV1 and HSV2 listed on http://www.datingwithherpes.org/herpes_blood_tests.htm That's the only way to know for sure if you have or don't have the virus for oral or genital herpes. Chances are, you have never been tested. So get tested.
Then, relax. Herpes is just a skin condition that most people manage pretty easily. Most people have mild, few or NO symptoms. Unfortunately, some people have more noticeable and painful symptoms. Those are the people you hear about. But for the most part, herpes is a very manageable condition except that those people who know they have it want to be more careful with their partners. It's admirable for anyone to tell you that they have an STD and to take precautions to reduce the risk of spreading it to you. That's the responsible thing to do.
There really should NOT be tigma associated with HSV2 vs HSV1 since they can both be spread genitally OR orally, even when no symptoms are present. Everyone should take precautions against STD's but few people really do. Unfortunately, most people with or without STD's often throw caution to the wind occasionally and put themselves at risk. Conservatives and Liberals, Religious and Not-so-Religious - many people are not taking precautions or getting tested for STD's. Everyone is at risk!
So, if you really like this person and you are taking all the recommended precautions, you are pretty safe. Remember, sex is messy and is never 100% risk free, even if the other person doesn't have herpes. There are plenty of other STD's out there. New partners should always get tested before sleeping together. You can't treat something if you don't know you have it!
For more information on how to reduce the risk of herpes transmission, go to:
http://www.datingwithherpes.org/reducing_risk.htm
DWH
Questions? Email: dating with herpes at gmail dot com
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